Career Choices

I’ve been wondering how come I make such a good criminal, and such a hopeless employee. The obvious reason is if you’re self employed in something that excites you, it’s natural to be good at it, enjoy it and keep doing it. You take pride in it. I often think I should be living 1000 years ago, when I could be a great warrior for my tribe. I would also love hunting, pillaging and plundering the evil enemy. Things would be dangerous and tough, and we’d develop into quality people, look after our friends. Alternatively, I’d love to be in an army trying to free my countrymen from invaders, trying to do good, with the moral high ground, like Zanu or Umkhonto. And I know I’d be good at it. Maybe that’s it – I’m like an alien living on the wrong planet. Can’t fit in, can’t get by in this environment. Have to lose myself dreaming on the internet on how things should be…

Shebeen Talk – Oprah

We were getting trashed in the shebeen last night, and it wasn’t even 8pm when I noticed that an unusual quiet had fallen on us all. The kind of quiet that normally happens at around midnight when we’re all drunk, out of funds and depressed because we’ve got nothing more to say and have to think about going home to sleep and a massive hangover. Actually, I only noticed the quiet during an ad break, because we were all watching the TV that normally just chats away in the background. And what was so fascinating to us? Unbelievably, I know, Oprah Winfrey. Now I always thought, as does everyone else, that Oprah is just another fat rich American Talk Show Host. You know, like Jerry Springer and Ricky Lake. The lowest form of life on earth, just below the Malaysian Blood Sucking Leech. In fact, those Talk Show Hosts can be considered completely useless except if maybe they’re hosting such a leech, and thereby, at least contributing something environmentally to the food chain. But here was Oprah saying things that made sense. Things you wanted to listen to. She showed the first signs of intelligence when she remarked on a meeting she had had with Mandela, and the effect it had on her. Now, somehow, greatness recognises greatness, so this was an indication that she wasn’t quite what she seemed. As it turns out, she’s busy building a school for disadvantaged girls in Meyerton. And even the fact that it was exclusively for girls, and not boys like me, did not detract from what a wonderful thing it was to do. Instead of giving her money to the government or some charity to squander, she was personally building a school. Somehow you know its going to make a real difference. And no one in te shebeen did not love her for it. I reckon we would even have loved her if we were white.

Its embarrassing to compare her to our array of fat politicians.Ok, you can relie on Thabo and trvor, and even Tito, to talk wisely. They’re cut from the same cloth. But the rest of them are a disgrace. How come haven’t we got an Oprah for health minister? Instead of manto having pathetic, tit for tat squabbles with Tony Leon about the whiteness of his party, while the country dies of Aids. Or instead of Ngakula, telling everybody that they should accept crime because its not so bad, while we in Diepsloot have to hide any valuable we possess very well, or we won’t have it more than a week. And if its really valuable, like a TV or a new car, we’ll probably end up dead over it, and nobody will even know, never mind care.

Talking of greatness, I have to wonder t the fact that possibly the greatrest of this century so far happens to be black like me – madiba. Very encouraging. Its true we make the greatest, most ruthless dictators, and the greediest capitalists. But we can be the best human beings too! Hope I won’t hav toendure 27 yearts in jail before I make it to that stage though…

Talking of fatness, its obviously no secret why both Americans and our politicians are so fat – they take a large proportion of the world’s resources and stuff it down their gullets. That’s fine, but I really don’t understand why they don’t exercise and diet to get thin. Surely the quality of life from being thin exceeds the quality achieved by eating large quantities of expensive food? Surely spending less time eating and more time doing mor exciting things would improve the quality of life? I suppose I’ll only understand when I achieve the same status, but the thought of it makes me think I’d rather be thin in Diepsloot than fat in parliament or USA. Maybe there’s some advantage to being fat that I’m not aware of. Maybe its like walking around surreounded by cushions or airbags…

2010

I get so excited when I see the SABC add to come together and make 2010 a success. Similarly, after Mbeki’s Origins Centre speech, I was temporarily on a high, just imagining us all coming together to make this country great. Putting aside our selfish, petty little problems with each other, putting aside our little envy problems and material desires. Imagine the incredibly diverse people in the country uniting. The potential is limitless. And sometimes Mbeki seems to be the guy to do it. But then reality collapses on your head. Just at the point when you realise, “ITS NOT FOR YOU!”. It wasn’t said to you, for you, and you aren’t welcome to be part of it. You are one of the unwelcome fringes. You’re not the black SA businessman, director, middle class suburb dweller, ANC member or black SA woman. You’re Indian, or coloured, or Zimbabwean, or (gasp) white male the lowest of the low. Or you’re me. A black unemployed shack dweller who has never paid tax, never had a bank account, never been part of the New SA. And it looks like he never will be. The guy watching things happen from the sidewalk. Or the shebeen. Uninvolved and non-contributing. You can never apply for all these jobs which are all Affirmative Action Only. You can never take up these student bursaries for black South Africans Only. It’s a disappointment to see you coming to apply for a job. In fact, people would really prefer it if you weren’t there at all, if you just didn’t exist to complicate their lives. (thank God for this shebeen – I think I need another quart right now). You just spend your days hoping to receive your free house built by some AA contractors (Really you wish you could build it yourself, at least you’d feel you’re doing something creative). Mbeki isn’t referring to me. Nor is the SABC. They couldn’t give a damn what I do or don’t do, so long as I don’t interfere in the great 2010 organisation and preparation. I suppose that’s why the only part I’ll play is mugging the surprised Koreans of their digital cameras. At least I know most of the police force are as depressed and demotivated as me about it all. And they surely feel as alien as me too, despite their barcoded IDs. And the worst of it is, we all have no idea where we should go to be wanted. Barman, another and make it cold. However, I do hope whoever is shupposed to get it together for 2010 does sho, and ish a huge shucshess...

Housing Problem

So now, me and 1000 of my fellow beings, are wondering around in a quandary, with no shack to live in. The problem is that our "leaders" have made some kind of deal or something with the police and government. However, we are now completely homeless, and no doubt will have to try to move to another squatter camp. We will all also have to collect together R2000 of shack materials to build new shacks. This is a very depressing thought, since it took me about 6 months to build the last shack. This whole episode has been fairly disruptive, and one wonders if it couldn't have been done more creatively. For example, our leaders and the police could have come to us and said, please remove your shacks to this place and live there, and there would have been no objection from me. Others who do object can then be forcibly removed, but at least they are moved with their shack materials, and probably only lose about one day in the process. Best of all, of course, is to give everyone a piece of land somewhere where they can put up a shack, a house, or whatever and live in peace for ever more. But that would be far too caring a thing to do for our government to even comtemplate...

Red Ant Day

I have had a bit of a rough time recently. So have about 1000 people like me. The problem was that to days ago, in the morning, I get a call to say they're busy destroying our shacks. I get there too late. The Red Ants are busy with mine. The methodology is simple. Chase owner of shack away, threatening violence. Break the lock of the door, go inside and have a quick look for small valuables: Cash, cellphones, ID books, probably in that order of importance. Then pull the shack apart, with personal items and furniture still inside. Put all wall and door materials on truck and send away. Move on to next shack. Result: Tonight there is just a scene of devastation, personal items and furniture lying everywhere, people sifting through the stuff for their things and for cardboard or anything to make a shelter. The past two nights we've slept together in this huge shed, which the new property owner apparently didn't want to be torn down. Meanwhile people have lost everything, including R2000 of shack materials each. Many lost their ID books, so the police will insist on taking them off to Lindel detention camp as refugees. God alone knows which African neighbour they'll choose to send them to. I wonder how many SA citizens are wondering around in Zinbabwe after losing their ID books? Or worse, their ID book sits in their shack back in SA. This is one of the reasons the ID book is so valuable, and must be kept on your person at all times. The othre reason is that it enables you to get on to the mystery housing list - the list for people to get free houses. However, your name just never seems to get to the top, so you never actually get one. I always saw thw read ants on tv, ripping people's homes apart, but somehow the incredible sadness of it only hits home when you're actually part of it. I only had a mattress and blanket and a few pots and things in my shack. Others had everything they had collected over the last year. The women, especially, had all the things to help them be comfortable in a difficult environment. All destroyed in one morning. I have been incredibly depressed to see it - I certainly am not proud to be a SA citizen now. We are definitely well on our way to being a typical, uncaring, tyrannical society, and I want no part of it...

Taxi Recapitalisation

Why the government has decided to "recapitalise" the taxi industry is one of those great mysteries which no one can understand, so they just accept it, accept that somewhere is a rational explanation for it. I travel in a lot of taxis, and many of them are in excellent condition, some still new. I assume this recap program is to replace the proper thing to do, ie throw unroadworthy taxis off the road, and force them to becaome roadworthy, because thats too difficult. Getting bigger taxis has got to be the dumbest excuse, because you can overload that too. No, the current taxis have proven their excellence for the job, the industry has proven itself up to the task of providing transport which no one else can. Now if you could just get someone to do the Metro Cops job, there would be no excuse to waste time and money on recap programs.

Manto Again

I wasn't being sarcastic about Manto - I believe she really is doing the right thing. Also, some people can't understand why she has chosen those particular vegetables, but I'm fairly sure than anyone who does eat them will get more healthy. She's not as dumb as she behaves, and I for one am going to take her advice. Imagine if everyone substituted some of their usual diet of greasy chicken and pap (and beer, of course) for those vegetables, there's little doubt the nation will be more healthy. And a more healthy nation will mean less relience on multinational drug companies.