How to Not Go To Jail
We were in Babas Khaya on Friday. The topic was Oscar Pistorius. Sibonga described an incident where someone managed to kill her husband, inherit all his money and shack up with her lover. I also happened to know a similar story, about someone else, in a similar area near where we all stay. Then it struck me that people are getting away with murder every day. Oscar, being a relative beginner, is going to have to spend a few months in the medical wing of some jail this time around. But the second and third times he will know exactly what to do.
Although I have not yet stepped up to murder, I am an experienced criminal and have had more than my fair share of police and the criminal justice system. I understand them.
Let me give you the low down. Don't say that the best information in life (like cellphones and computers and stuff) can not be got for free:
1) Target someone who hasn't got close family and rich family. If you do, they might hire a private investigator and then you could be implicated. If the police detectives investigate, there is NO WAY you will be even considered as a suspect. I have met some of these detectives at our local police station and they are more interested in lunch than crime.
2) Target someone with a big farm or small holding in a rural area. That means they have money. The police in rural areas are guaranteed to be completely useless and disinterested.
3) Make friends with the police. You can get away with all sorts of crime if you are their buddy.
4) Target a relatively unknown person. Never target a celebrity because the police will feel obliged to investigate.
5) Make it easy for the detectives by providing an "easy solution". This means stage some reason for the death that will give them an excuse to not investigate. A common one is a car accident. Suicide is also good. Notice it hardly has to be convincing, just enough for them to be able to overlook all the obvious evidence, such as your benefiting from a large insurance payout or a recently-adjusted will.
6) If you made a mistake with any of the above five points, you may end up with a docket. No problem. Ask your lawyer to pay to have the docket lost.
7) If you made a mistake with point 4 above, like Oscar did, you may not be able to avoid going to court. If this is the case, continue to point 8 below.
8) You will notice that the judge in Oscar's trial ignored all evidence and agreed totally with what Oscar said. This is how courts work. So the rule is: Deny everything. Say everyone is a liar. Never, ever admit to the crime, no matter how compelling the evidence. If your lawyer doesn't agree, get another. You watch, if Oscar ever gets into court again (unlikely, he will know better next time), he'll say that it wasn't him who fired the shot. If he had done this, and stuck to his guns no matter what, he wouldn't even have got the manslaughter charge.
The main reason people go to jail from a court case is that they feel compelled to tell the truth. Every hardened criminal knows mantra "the truth will get you locked up". Resist the urge to be honest and get away with murder.
Although I have not yet stepped up to murder, I am an experienced criminal and have had more than my fair share of police and the criminal justice system. I understand them.
Let me give you the low down. Don't say that the best information in life (like cellphones and computers and stuff) can not be got for free:
1) Target someone who hasn't got close family and rich family. If you do, they might hire a private investigator and then you could be implicated. If the police detectives investigate, there is NO WAY you will be even considered as a suspect. I have met some of these detectives at our local police station and they are more interested in lunch than crime.
2) Target someone with a big farm or small holding in a rural area. That means they have money. The police in rural areas are guaranteed to be completely useless and disinterested.
3) Make friends with the police. You can get away with all sorts of crime if you are their buddy.
4) Target a relatively unknown person. Never target a celebrity because the police will feel obliged to investigate.
5) Make it easy for the detectives by providing an "easy solution". This means stage some reason for the death that will give them an excuse to not investigate. A common one is a car accident. Suicide is also good. Notice it hardly has to be convincing, just enough for them to be able to overlook all the obvious evidence, such as your benefiting from a large insurance payout or a recently-adjusted will.
6) If you made a mistake with any of the above five points, you may end up with a docket. No problem. Ask your lawyer to pay to have the docket lost.
7) If you made a mistake with point 4 above, like Oscar did, you may not be able to avoid going to court. If this is the case, continue to point 8 below.
8) You will notice that the judge in Oscar's trial ignored all evidence and agreed totally with what Oscar said. This is how courts work. So the rule is: Deny everything. Say everyone is a liar. Never, ever admit to the crime, no matter how compelling the evidence. If your lawyer doesn't agree, get another. You watch, if Oscar ever gets into court again (unlikely, he will know better next time), he'll say that it wasn't him who fired the shot. If he had done this, and stuck to his guns no matter what, he wouldn't even have got the manslaughter charge.
The main reason people go to jail from a court case is that they feel compelled to tell the truth. Every hardened criminal knows mantra "the truth will get you locked up". Resist the urge to be honest and get away with murder.
posted by Mpho Dlamini at
1:15 AM
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